Nip Tantrums in the Bud with these Five Techniques to Stop Tantrums in their Tracks

Anybody who is the parent of a toddler is familiar with the tantrum. Kicking, screaming, crying, biting, wailing, throwing… You name it, we have seen it all. Tantrums never come at a convenient time either, do they? Off to visit your judgmental Great Aunt Thelma? You already know your toddler is going to pull out his wildest tantrum tactics. So how do you get these tantrums to stop quickly? What about stopping tantrums altogether? Let’s get right into it!

Grumpy baby

1. Figure out the reason for the Tantrum

The tantrum is a behavior. When dealing with any behavior you want to correct, it is vital to first uncover the function the behavior is serving. So, what is the function of tantrum behavior? Does your child want a new toy from the store? Do they want extra time at the playground? Do they want one more show before bed? The answer to this question varies depending on the situation. So when your child is having a tantrum, first figure out what they are trying to get out of the tantrum. Once you figure that out, under no circumstances do you want to give your toddler what they are tantrumming over mid-tantrum.

2. Be present while also being unresponsive

In many situations you can ignore a tantrum, and it will go away. You can tell your toddler that you are here for them when they are ready to use a calm, kind voice. After that, simply exist in the space with them without responding any further to their tantrum. Read a book, fold some laundry, make yourself busy but available. You can give hugs if they are sought out. You can hold your toddler until she is able to calm down. You do not need to withhold love during a tantrum. Providing basic reassurance to your child that you love them no matter what is not reinforcing the tantrum. You do want to show them that screaming and crying is not a proper way to communicate their needs. You also want to show them that when you make a decision (like it being time to turn off the tv), you follow through.

Follow through is so vital in parenting. Our children need consistent and reliable leadership. While they may pout and mope about when we stick to our guns, their developing brains crave this level of consistency. It helps them to know that they are safe with you, that you mean what you say. When your child sees you mean it when you say that it is time for bed, they can also be sure you mean it when you say you love them. We don’t negotiate with toddlers.

3. Do NOT allow physical aggression

“Cute,” you say. “What am I supposed to do if she starts hitting/kicking/biting/etc.?” Ah ha, to that my dear friend I simply say, do not allow it. You are the parent. You are under control in this situation. There is a reflex we have in response to physical aggression where we go straight to feeling angry. This is unhelpful. Being angry in this situation does nothing for us. Take a breath, and then tell your sweet toddler who is having a really hard time that you will not let them hit/kick/bite/etc. you. Then you do what you need to do to create space. That might look and sound something like this, “I can’t let you hit me. That’s not safe. I am moving my body over here until you can use safe hands.” If your kiddo is really struggling with holding back physical aggression, you can place yourself on the other side of a baby gate. (If you are out and about you can sit in the car with them to ride out a tantrum.) This way, you can still see your toddler and they can see you. You have not abandoned them to ride out their tantrum alone, but you are showing them that you will not allow physical aggression. You wouldn’t let them smack around another kid at the playground. They shouldn’t be allowed to hit you either, even if their tiny hands don’t pack the greatest punch.

4. Do NOT allow environmental aggression

Maybe your toddler doesn’t get physical with you. Not all do, especially when you’ve taken steps to show them it’s not allowed. You might, however, find yourself with a toddler who destroys toys, books, your favorite flower vase… This is environmental aggression. Anything your toddler mishandles during a tantrum needs to be removed immediately. That might sound like this, “You’re having a hard time using that toy the right way. I’m putting it on the shelf to keep it safe.” You are totally going to hear screeching that sounds like the dinosaurs have in fact been reanimated. Don’t worry, it’s just your sweet angel child feeling some kind of way. Again be consistent. If your toddler threw a book, oh man that’s too bad. They can have it back tomorrow when they’re doing better.

5. Reconnect and Repair

This is the most important piece when it comes to putting an end to tantrums. Once your toddler has calmed down, remind them that you love them always. Remind them that they are a good child. Remind them that even you get upset sometimes and understand that it can be hard to turn off the tv before bed. If your toddler apologizes, celebrate it! Tell them how grateful you are for the apology. Tell them you forgive them. Whatever you do, do not force an apology. A forced apology is meaningless. Now is the time to move on. The tantrum is over. Your toddler still is not getting an extra tv show tonight, but they can pick out their favorite bedtime story for you to read them. Bedtime is saved! <3

That’s the beauty of toddlers. They move on pretty quickly. When you do not feed into the tantrum, they will likely stop in only a minute or two. You then say, “Okay which story are we going to read tonight?”, and they are skipping off to their bedroom to pick a book. (As if they weren’t just screeching like a banshee two seconds ago.)

The end of all tantrums

The more you implement the above techniques on a consistent basis, the less you will see tantrums from your toddler. There are other factors that increase the likelihood of a tantrum occurring. When your toddler is especially tired or hungry, their ability to cope essentially flies out the window. Make sure your kiddos are fed and slept on schedule to increase your odds of simply avoiding a tantrum in the first place. Sometimes tantrums seem unavoidable. When you know your child is on schedule with their meals and sleep times, but tantrums are still happening, hold strong. As you teach and guide your toddler each day, they will learn how to better express their wants and needs to you. They will also learn how to handle disappointment with more grace. Be patient while you employ these strategies with time and consistency, and I promise you will see a decrease in tantrum behavior.

Good luck, Momma.